My {Imaginary} Twin Sister

So I can’t decide if this is a story or a rant…I suppose a bit of both, because I’m not going to throw out real names or exact events and it’s not all how I feel, but some of it really, really is. Hope you like it.

My twin sister would be named Colette. Or maybe Josette. Mom likes names ending in -ette.

And if I had a twin, so there were two of us, then maybe Dad would’ve let mom have her way, and I would’ve gotten an -ette name too. Like Nicolette.

So we would be Nicolette and Josette, but I would call her Josie, or maybe Jos, and she would call me Nikki, or Nic. And we would be best friends.

Maybe if I’d had Jos I wouldn’t have had such a rough time finding someone who really got me. Jos would have understood me completely. Maybe with her I wouldn’t have tagged after girls who didn’t really want me around all the time, wouldn’t have had an ex-best friend tell my new friend not to spend the night at my house because I was clingy. Maybe I wouldn’t have gone through that terrible cheer leading phase.

Maybe, just maybe,  in high school when my best friend, Camron’s, parents got divorced, and she had to move three hours away I wouldn’t have almost lost it. I wouldn’t have needed therapy. Not in a weird way, but you have to understand that Cam and I were like sisters. We spent all of our time together. And then she was just gone. Gone. And she was going through hell with her parents’ divorce and finding out her brother had cancer. She needed my support, even from afar, but somehow, even when things settled again, settled but didn’t really get much better, our relationship never went back to normal. It never went back to a give and take, just a give give give.

Maybe Jos could have told me to let go….

Maybe with Jos I wouldn’t have loved Cam so much. Maybe I wouldn’t have needed to find a sister. I would have already had one.

And even with Rob, my boyfriend, being the best boyfriend, and often best friend, a girl could think to ask for, he was still a boy.

I couldn’t gush to him about the great date I’d just had with him. That would be ridiculous. But Jos would have met me at the door when he dropped me off, already squealing. She would want to know every detail, and compare kisses from her own experience.

We would talk about love, and sex, and marriage, and growing up, and hate, and heartbreak. We would cry together. We would laugh a lot.

Sometimes I would hate her, because sometimes you hate siblings, but I would always be able to talk to her.

My brother would have had two younger sisters instead of one, and who knows what that would have done to him, but I think he would’ve been okay. I wouldn’t have needed my older cousins to accept me so very much.

I wouldn’t have felt so very alone so very often.

It’s not that I don’t have friends. I have friends. I just don’t have her.

I don’t have someone who will gush over Taylor Laughtner’s abs one minute, discuss our futures, and then switch to planning our next adventure. I don’t have the whole package. Or even if I know someone who could be, they aren’t yet. We just don’t love each other the way I would love Jos.

I just don’t have her.

And I could really use a sister.



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